We Both Want What's Best For Her Without Ignoring Our Own Needs...

Question: My husband and I disagree about how long to allow our 2 month old first born to sleep in her cot in our bedroom. We both want what's best for her without ignoring our own needs, and would be interested in your opinion if you have one. Also, has there been any research done in this area?

Answer (1) Yes, there has been thousands of research articles written on all sorts of issues to do with attachment, bonding, nurturing, separation and individuation in early childhood. I don't know the nature of the disagreement between you and your husband concerning this but I'm sure it's more likely to be an emotionally based one, rather than purely intellectual. The key to this dilemma is really the reaction of the child to the proposed change, rather than any convenient choice of the parents.

If the child is happy placed in her own room to sleep, if neither of you are overly concerned about her health or welfare, if you both are prepared to take turns getting up to her in the night for two years or so, then there's no problem. She will sense your anxiety, so it's important for you both to be clear about what you're doing and why. I think sensitivity to your daughter's changing needs - rather than anxiety or guilt - is essential to any decision you make regarding her well-being.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (2) If you are not far along the journey as a couple and this is your first child, the arrival of a baby puts strain on the relationship in many ways: changes in routine, some sleep deprivation, disputes about sharing the new workload and relative roles, and, not the least, physical intimacy or sex. Concerns about the child's welfare are always key, but if your baby is healthy and thriving, it is important that you also attend to your own health as a couple. There is no absolute here. Your child has become a member of a family and all the family needs to travel happily.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor