Should I Infer From This That All Therapists Are Worthy Of An Alliance?

Question: My questions relate to answers to two other questions posted recently. Someone was upset because her boyfriend was paying money to see a therapist, but rather than helping the relationship, it was making things worse. She said (if I may quote), "He thinks that I am jealous - it's more like a feeling of betrayal that he refuses to talk to me about anything."

I'm not privy to his version of the story, but it seems to me that refusing to communicate with one's partner is a fairly strong breach of how we humans understand what being in a relationship is supposed to mean. Some would even call this a form of abuse. One therapist said in her answer to another question on intervention and abuse "I personally do not think there is anything called "acceptable abuse"."

I can accept that a therapist does not know all the ins and outs of a situation and therefore should avoid jumping in with advice, especially the kind that may interfere with the person's own process. This makes a lot of sense. What I don't understand is the suggestion that anger - a feeling that may be a genuine and understandable response to abuse, real or otherwise - might be the very thing that is causing the "abuse". To me, this is like saying to a girl who has just been sexually assaulted that if she'd been wearing something a little less sexy, it probably wouldn't have happened. Even if there is some truth in it, does it justify telling someone who is traumatised that they are somehow to blame? Am I missing something?

Finally, there was also a recommendation made that a psychotherapist be considered an ally rather than a threat. Should I infer from this that ALL therapists are worthy of an alliance?

Answer (1) You didn't miss a thing - the counsellor's response appears to blame a victim of betrayal and emotional abuse and seems to preference confidences shared in his therapy environment over intimacy in her/their couple's one. Would the counsellor have written the same thing if he had located himself in the primacy of their intimate relationship rather than in his therapy? Was he really suggesting that a therapy which blames the victim can be an ally of hers? No wonder you ask, 'Should I infer from this that ALL therapists are worthy of an alliance?' Some individual therapy is hazardous to our client's primary relationship. Therapists have a duty of care to the couple in which their individual client grows or not.

Not all therapy is good and not all therapists are functioning well nor engaged in their work. In one long range, international study of what 8,000 therapists bring to their practices, 30% experienced themselves as stressed or disengaged in their work. Neither are favourable to a healing alliance. The good news is that 50% of therapists have an effective practice 'characterised by much healing involvement (alive, engaged and productive) and little stressful involvement'. Another 25% experience much healing involvement but also much stressful involvement (for example the feeling of, 'I hope they don't make their session today'). So by my figuring, we have a 50% chance of working with an effective therapist in an effective relationship no matter what brand of therapy they offer. The quality of that therapeutic alliance still relies more on the interpersonal skills of the therapist than the type of therapy offered. Are therapist's responses in this forum a reflection of their level of respect, empathy and commitment? That is how it is likely to be interpreted by the questioner and other readers.

Answer provided by Peter Fox, Clinical Psychologist

Answer (2) Your comments are well founded. Of course refusing to communicate with someone with whom you are supposed to be in an intimate relationship, makes a mockery of the term. Being aware that your "partner" is purportedly talking over his inner most feelings with someone else whilst freezing you out, just adds insult to injury. I wonder what the therapist knows of his patient's unwillingness to talk to his partner and what he makes of it? Without knowing all the facts, it's easy to sound self righteous in the circumstances but if I were aware that someone I was seeing was refusing to talk to his or her partner, I would be very concerned and asking some cogent questions.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (3) Your question is not only valid - I think it's vital.

My experience totally validates Peter Fox's comment that not all therapy is helpful and not all therapists are functioning well, and I would like to encourage more people to be questioning and discerning. Choosing and working with a therapist is an important issue not to be taken lightly.

Thank you for asking these questions - I hope this will encourage others to do the same.

Answer provided by Donald Marmara, Somatic Psychotherapist