My Doubts Are Taking Over My Life And My Dreams.
Question: I know that people have doubts from time to time, but my doubts are taking over my life and my dreams. My partner and I have been together for ten years and we are engaged to be married, but I keep putting off choosing a ring. I used to get upset that he didn't do certain things, or thought a certain way. But now I just accept that he wont or doesn't, and this has caused me to long for someone who would.
I think there is a fundamental difference between us, the way we live our lives, and what we hold important. I've learnt to silence my beliefs a lot of the time, and compromise my true self to please him. Consequently, I'm not even sure I know who I am any more.
I also fear regret. Whether I stay or leave, I'm afraid I will have regrets later on. All this is taking a toll on my mental health. I tried reading the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay", but am still in the same position. I should add that we do have good times together, he is a good provider, and generally a nice person. Which only makes me feel ungrateful and guilty.
Answer (1) From what I hear you say, you are very aware about the enormous, crippling compromises that are demanded of you, in order to maintain this relationship, even at its present level. Compromises that you say are already forcing you to adopt a false self. I sense your reluctance to do what you know you should, is fuelled by the time and effort you've already put into it, his seeming ignorance of how you really feel, your guilt about somehow betraying and disappointing him and perhaps also, the fear that you may not find anyone as good, as inappropriate as he may be for you. I suggest you talk all this over with an experienced relationship counsellor who can help make the muddy waters clear, or at least, clearer.
Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist
Answer (2) You sound positively distraught, torn as to whether to trust your own good judgement. You seem to know in your own mind what you need to do for you. Your reticence may be about fear of change, even temporary loneliness and loss. But uncomfortable feelings are part of the process of ending less satisfactory relationships for the freedom to experience another which can make us happier. From what I hear you describing, not moving or at least discussing your sense of the gulf that exists for you between you and your partner, may be to risk settling for a slow death of your spirit. You have a right and responsibility to choose someone who is a good match for you, not someone who is merely nice, and merely a good provider. We can and will make mistakes but I believe our instinct or "gut" feeling is generally out best guide. Good luck.
Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor
Answer (3) Do I have to give up me to be loved by you? These are agonising choices about which you have a decade of information to consider. I wonder if you have done the one thing you swore you would never do and that your mother or grandmother accomplished in their marriages - lose themselves in putting others' needs ahead of their own? I think the best antidote for regret is to act with wisdom, kindness and integrity. To know that you have done everything that is possible with the knowledge (and co-operation) available to you at the time will allow you to cancel the expectations that you should have left sooner or should have stayed longer or should have tried harder. Cancelling expectations that hold our self-worth or self-love hostage is called forgiveness.
If you have given up core beliefs and values, then you have also compromised some of your honour, candour and integrity. If so, then you may have also lost respect for yourself, for the relationship and also likely his respect for you. If you're not sure who you are then neither is he. It's well nigh impossible to commit to an unknown. He only knows the self-you-have-become-to-please-him rather than the gutsy self he might have found challenging and adorable in the beginning. To regain these virtues will require your standing apart from him, autonomous and self-validating. You can do this and remain in the relationship. It will be uncomfortable as new boundaries are drawn or negotiated and your truth spoken. This is called self-differentiation and requires conflict resolution rather than conflict avoidance.
I sense you have nothing to lose by risking his displeasure, since to go on giving yourself up invites his loss of interest anyway - unless of course he likes living with a shadow. Maybe you have done all that already and what remains finally, is to forgive yourself and him, let go and move on. If not, I recommend for your dilemma the book 'Loving Your Partner Without Losing Your Self' by Martha Beveridge, Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt.
Answer provided by Peter Fox, Clinical Psychologist
