Last Year I Went To A Counsellor For Several Consultations And I Decided Not To Tell My Wife.

Question: Last year I went to a counsellor for several consultations and I decided not to tell my wife. The matter didn't really concern her. However, as I don't normally hide anything from her, part of me feels uncomfortable about this. The main reason for my reluctance is that my wife has it in her mind that only people with a mental illness need counselling and she is very skeptical that counselling can help even then. It might have something to do with her older sister receiving psychiatric care as a child. Maybe I should try discussing it with her because at some level I think it is unethical not to bring it up. Then again, talking about it could also turn nasty.

Answer (1) You may be torturing yourself unnecessarily here. Hiding matters that impact on your relationship would be unfair to your wife. But you say the matter which required a counsellor's assistance was personal, and did not concern your wife. Ethically then, you would appear to be under no compunction to disclose this to her. You and your partner are individuals who also have a shared entity; your relationship. This matter seems to be part of your individual life rather than the relationship. Keeping this boundary may be unusual for you and this could be an opportunity to contemplate those "parts" of your life which are uniquely yours as opposed to those which are part of your relationship.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor

Answer (2) I think it would be better for all concerned if you did let her know about the visits. Not only that you went to see a counsellor but also why you did not tell her immediately. There is a good chance that hearing about your experience will help her understand that no two situations are the same. I can't be sure what you mean by "talking about it could turn nasty" but I imagine it may be that your wife is more than just skeptical about psychological services. My sense is that she is quite hostile and if this is the case, perhaps talking about her experiences with her sister in some detail would help diffuse the anger. I see this as an opportunity for your wife to reconsider the blanket assumption she has made about counselling, its purpose and potential benefits.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist