It's Over A Week Since My Girlfriend And I Spoke To Each Other...

Question: It's over a week since my girlfriend and I spoke to each other all because of an arguement we had on Valentine's day about where we would go for dinner. She wanted to go some place expensive and I went along with it but wasn't happy about spending so much on a meal. She got uptight because I wasn't talkative enough, which caused an exchange of not-so-loving words. She said I spoil everything. Thinking about it makes me all the more annoyed. If we can't agree on something small like this, there's not much hope for us?

Answer (1) It seems to me that this is a typical male / female dysjunction about priorities. She's looking forward to a romantic, extra special dinner with her valentine and to Hell with everything else and all he can do is be sour, sulk and totally preoccupied with how much money it's costing. Good relationships do not come cheaply in any respect but they're the most rewarding investment in the future a couple can make. If you feel short changed already, how will you feel when you eventually break your financial back with a mortgage, children and the "full family monty"? Have a long, hard look at what you want from life and a partner and how much you are willing and able to put into it. It's not all about money I can assure you!

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (2) I think Valentine's Day, like Christmas, has become a commercialised scam. I heard many people (males and females) this year verbalise their frustration about society dictating to them when they "should" do something nice for their loved one. For this reason, some couples decide to ignore Valentine's Day altogether. Your girlfriend may have interpreted you not wanting to spend much on dinner as a sign that the occasion wasn't as important to you as it was to her, or that she wasn't worth spending the money on. While for you, it may have been purely a financial decision.

Although you have different views about the incident, it was probably how these views were communicated that did the damage. Saying, "I really value our relationship and want to show you that I care about you, however taking you to an expensive restaurant is not my style" is more inclusive than "I don't want to go there - it's too expensive". Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. The trick is not so much eliminating them but learning to acknowledge each person's point of view, needs or wants in a respectful manner.

Answer provided by Graham Cox, Psychologist

Answer (3) Money is always one consideration. For me, the key phrase in your account is that your girlfriend got annoyed with you because you weren't "talkative enough". To dine out or not, to pay or not, was WHAT happened. For your girlfriend the HOW was possibly more important. You possibly made the decision alone then became defensive when she questioned it. When we are defensive we tend to clam up and your friend may have experienced this as you dismissing her and shutting her out of the relationship. Perhaps another time, you might risk giving your reasons for a decision that is not immediately mutual, listen to your girlfriend's thinking and her feelings, and hopefully reach a decision or a compromise that makes both of you feel successful. Arguments are fine if they mean BOTH people are talking and listening.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor