I'm Concerned That My Son Is Being Bullied At School...

Question: I'm concerned that my son is being bullied at school but if I ask him, he ignores the question by changing the subject or making an excuse that he has to do something. He is in his first year of high school (12 yrs old). His grades, normally A's, have dropped, and he has lost interest in mixing socially with others his own age. He is also on edge most of the time which is not like him at all. His older sister said she saw a couple of students taunting him, but when she asked him what it was about, he just said "nothing". Do you think that speaking to the school principal about my son would be an over-reaction? I don't know what else to do. His father says I am worrying needlessly which makes me feel I have to deal with this problem on my own.

Answer (1) Sounds like both you and your son feel that you have to deal with the problem on your own. He may believe as do many boys of his age, that bullying is part and parcel of high school life and has to be overcome by oneself or simply endured. Macho boys do not ask for help in this regard for fear of being labelled whimps and would be mortified if "Mummy" insisted on publicly intervening. I think it's important that your husband be educated as to how bullying can erode your son's confidence and grades. His support is vital if the boy is to see that dad doesn't expect him to deal with it by himself. Regardless, I would alert the school principal as to what's happening, since bullying is taken very seriously nowadays by the education department. Your son has the right to go to school and do what he's there for, without being harassed and bullied by any other kids.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (2) Your son is behaving in a way quite typical of boys of his age, as they struggle with the onset of puberty, with all the turmoil that this entails. Added to this is the sometimes difficult transition from primary to high school.

You are concerned that he brushes you off when you ask him about bullying. Again, this is quite typical. Rather than confronting the principal with accusations of bullying though, perhaps you may consider speaking with the member of staff responsible for student welfare. Describe what you have observed, and see what their response is. Your son may indeed be the target of bullies, but it is often the children who are vulnerable for other reasons who the bullies target! The school may offer counselling, or recommend someone. Or, you can make your own enquiries. A formal assessment will assist you in deciding the next step, and if your husband stands with you in this decision, so much the better. Nevertheless, trust your intuition. If you feel something is wrong, you have every right to pursue it. I hope this helps you...

Answer provided by Dr Wendy Sinclair

Answer (3) It is difficult and can even be dangerous to offer diagnosis on a case/situation without knowing, at least, a substantial amount of the facts. However, perhaps addressing specific points individually will help you come to an educated opinion on your best course of action. Bullying is a terrible thing and does lead to psychological trauma. If your son is being bullied, he may prefer to try to "tough it out" particularly if he perceives that his Dad has a tendency towards a macho attitude. 

Around your son's age there are many phenomenon that can cause a drop in grades: social withdrawal, edginess/moodiness, rapid body/hormonal changes, romantic interest, change or loss of friendship systems, or even realization that education has suddenly become more serious (although the latter usually occurs a little later on). Kids often feel inadequate while their physical looks, voice, mannerisms etc change; and as they consider these same changes occurring at different rates in their peers. 

The symptoms your son is displaying could be attributed to either bullying or this difficult maturing age, or a mix of both. The fact that his older sister has identified possible bullying would be a good reason to explore the matter further with your son's school (you would not be overreacting); and it is part of their job. If there is a problem the sooner both you and your husband get together and address it the better for the long term benefit of your child.

Answer provided by Allan Templeton, Counsellor