I Love My Wife And Can Have Relations With Her. However, I Know I Can't Give Up Guys.

Question: I am torn between my responsibilities to my wife and teenage children whom I love dearly, and my attraction to guys. From a very young age I battled with my sexuality, and hated myself for it. My parents were alcoholics, abusive and very homophobic.

I was sexually abused at the age of 11, and as a teenager I hated gay guys, because in my mind a gay guy was like the paedophile who abused me. I aggressively dated girls and had sexual relations with them but never a real relationship. I suppressed the gay side of me so well that I believed it wasn't there anymore. At the age of 24 I married, and thought to myself that things would be 'normal'. But I was wrong.

About 5 years ago I started to become more aware of myself. Before this I never dared speak to anyone about my feelings... I was extremely paranoid. I started chatting on the internet to other gay guys overseas. I remember feeling overwhelming relief, like the whole world had been lifted off my shoulders. Being able to talk openly was amazing. I discovered that 'everyday good people' were also gay. 2 years ago, my wife looked at my chat history and saw a conversation I'd had with a gay guy. She was extremely upset. I admitted to her that I was bi-sexual and curious, and we talked, but after that night she refused to speak any more about it.

Since then I have met up with a few guys for no strings fun. Recently, I decided to tell my wife that I am actually gay. She took it hard. She wanted to know why I married her, and accused me of being with her to cover my sexuality, which is not the case at all.

She says she can live with what has happened as long as we put it behind us and move on. This means going back to how I was, and suppressing who I really am. I love my wife and can have relations with her. However, I know I can't give up guys. I am very very confused and feel that I'm in a no win situation. Jake

Answer (1) Dear Jake, This is a huge, gutsy, heart wrenching disclosure and I thank you for sharing it on this site. I imagine your wife will be reading some of our responses as the two of you discuss this together. My heart goes out to both of you, to your kids and extended families as they come to an awareness of your journey. Having worked through this process from the initial shock to a healthy resolution with a number of families over the years, I can re-assure you that, though raw and tough going at times, the outcomes are sometimes inspiring and inclusive. Sometimes kids take this disclosure hard, especially having to later explain their family to homophobic friends or partners. I expect you will receive thoughtful responses from this site and maybe even consider a couple's therapist to work through some of the issues you all will face over the coming years. Take heart during the hard times, take it slow and assume good will even when attacked by those you love - 'Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths.' Etty Hillesum

Answer provided by Peter Fox, Clinical Psychologist

Answer (2) Dear Jake, I think Peter Fox gave you a good answer - helpful, supportive and covers a lot. I would like to add that your situation is more common than what many people think. ACON in NSW run a group for married men who are gay. There is much support to be had from the gay community and I suggest you seek it to help you through this time. Your wife's reaction is also common and normal and I think it's important for her to know that she is not alone. You will all move through this but I suggest that you seek individual as well as couple/family therapy to support you through the process - all the best,

Answer provided by Jacqueline McDiarmid, Psychotherapist