I Keep Wondering: Are We Disadvantaged By Not Having Had More Than One Relationship?
Question: My wife and I met in our final year of high school and have been together ever since. We got married just over a year ago. Our relationship is solid except for a couple of things that are starting to cause problems between us. I feel a bit at a loss because I've not had much experience as far as women go. I sense she is not altogether happy and wants something that I'm not sure how to give. She says everything's fine and that my concerns are unfounded, but I know this is not how it really is. For example, she is definitely not as interested in sex. At first I thought it was because I had been overly busy with my career and neglecting her, but she has never complained so I'm not sure. I've tried giving her more attention but she doesn't want it. This leaves me feeling inadequate and unsatisfied. I don't know what to do, I keep wondering: Are we disadvantaged by not having had more than one relationship?
Answer (1) It's often said that women need to feel loved to enjoy sex, and men need to enjoy sex to feel loved. I hear this in your story. Maybe the problem lies more in the fact that you feel distance from your partner because she does not want to make love as often these days. This doesn't mean that she feels distant from you. Perhaps your relationship has lost some of it's sexual spark, but all relationships do from time to time. Find some other ways to feel close to your wife. Create some opportunities for passion. Accept her answer that things are okay for her, and look at what is motivating your own feelings of insecurity in the relationship. It may be worth talking to a counsellor about this if it helps you to understand.
Answer provided by Andrew Hacker
Answer (2) What really stands out for me is that you appear to be wondering about everything rather than communicating with your wife. It may be true that she is actually ok and just doesn't need a lot of sex (this is very common), however, you need to be able to communicate your concerns to her and vice versa in a way that you both feel understood. It is possible to learn new ways of doing this through couple counselling where new skills and tools are taught in communication. Whatever the outcome, you both have nothing to lose and much to gain. I don't think it matters that this is your first relationship - it is not uncommon.
Answer provided by Jacqueline McDiarmid, Psychotherapist
Answer (3) You ask whether you are disadvantaged by having only one relationship. The answer is no. You see, the first flush of love is a sort of madness, in which the other is seen as perfect. Then the reality sets in. Many choose to bail out or emotionally retreat just when a relationship needs the most work. And you know what, they repeat the same process in subsequent relationships. We do not necessarily learn by experience. Indeed it is likely that we keep making the same mistakes. Your letter raises many personal issues, and although your wife says everything is fine, clearly for you it is not. Perhaps you could tell her that you are concerned, and that perhaps speaking with a couples therapist may be wise.
Answer provided by Dr Wendy Sinclair
Answer (4)
Answer provided by Rosalie Gannon, Psychologist
Answer (5) If your gut feelings are correct, then it's possible that there is something going on here for your wife that she's not talking to you about. Why? Well, I could only guess at the reasons but they usually involve some confusion about feelings and directions, fueled perhaps by a degree of depression and or agitation. If you've never had an emotionally communicative relationship with her, it's hard to quickly develop one especially when the need suddenly arises. Would it have made a difference if either or both of you had had a number of previous relationships before getting together? Who can say for sure! I suggest that until your wife confirms your suspicions, you need to remain attentive, without being over the top or intrusive. Counselling at this time would probably not be effective since your wife denies that there's anything wrong. Maybe suggest this later. For the time being, try and be more relaxed and just have some fun together. Pressure to have sex is usually a turnoff for someone who's not interested at the moment.
Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist
Answer (6) There is no rule. Prior relationships can help or hinder a current relationship, socially and sexually. It would depend on what happened in the prior relationships, how and why they were ended and what each of you took away as learnings. I assume from what you say that you are a young man in your twenties. Men often load themselves up with the responsibilty for sexual satisfaction of both partners. They can start out focussed on physical performance and technique at the cost of romantic intimacy both in and out of the bedroom. This seems a common beginning for many men but the important thing is to be open to learning what works in every aspect of the relationship, not just the sexual.
You also seem to be doing some guesswork about what your partner wants and thinks. Perhaps she finds it difficult to discuss the relationship. She may be having difficulty putting a complex matter into words, and fearful of "getting it wrong".
Try to keep talking and listening. When you feel unhappy at what she says, tell her in simple I-statements like, "I feel sad that our relationship seems to be different". It may help both of you if you check your understanding of what you hear (emotions can add unintended interpretations). Simply restate and check: "I think you said you want to spend more time on... Is that right?" Communication is essential, and often uncomfortable when it concerns important issues. But it is honest, respectful communication which protects and grows a relationship, not how many prior relationships people have had.
If you find it too difficult to do this yourselves, and if you both agree, you may benefit from seeing a counsellor experienced in working with couples. That way you will each have a safe place to give voice to your concerns and needs. Such a counsellor can assist by making observations and suggestions to improve the situation. Relationships that last do so because each partner has continued to repair gaps, clear blockages, and worked in the 'now' as well as the 'future'. Good luck.
Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor
