I Feel Bad About Moving Out, Like I've Abandoned My Little Girl.
Question: My estranged wife has the symptoms mentioned in your article about borderline personality, although they didn't become fully evident until after we married. I'm worried about the impact her mental illness is having on our 3 yr old daughter. I feel bad about moving out, like I've abandoned my little girl. We have shared custody and I will continue to provide stability as best I can, but this doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about leaving, that for her sake I should have stayed. David, Sydney
Answer (1) David, as someone who often attempts to treat borderline personality disorder, I can empathise with your dilemma. Of course, I can not know whether or not the diagnosis of BPD is correct or not. However, what I can tell you, is that many very distressed and disorganised people can manifest some of the symptoms and signs of BPD but yet, not actually have the developmental deficits, inherent in the condition itself. This really needs to be clarified if possible to set your mind at rest or not.
You are in the unenviable position of having to monitor the situation by maintaining as much contact with your wife as is possible and gauging your daughters' state of mind when you have her. Legally, this is always a mine field. The diagnosis of BPD is still controversial and the courts rarely have the sophistication to make appropriate judgements re custody and care arrangements. Get good legal representation should you ever need it, and some good professional support for yourself, so that you are not alone with all of this.
Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist
Answer (2) I cannot advise you on a diagnosis. A formal identification of a condition would entail your wife seeking a diagnosis from a psychologist or psychiatrist. Whether she has such a condition or not, I would be focussing on evidence of harms or dangers to your daughter from her mother's care. Many people with various diagnoses or personal problems manage these so that they have no impact on their children. Discussing with your wife any concerns that may arise for you from her interactions with your child would be a logical, evidence-based approach to resolving those concerns for your child's welfare, and perhaps encourage your wife to consider an assessment if needed.
Guilt is only useful if it stops us doing something, or if it makes us do something different. Helping your wife manage or get assistance should serve to remove the need for this guilt. The act of separation can also leave us feeling failed and questioning our actions and thus contribute to guilty feelings. If these persist, talking to a professional counsellor or good listener would be a reasonable step in caring for your mental health.
Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor
