I Did What You Believed I Could Do

Dear Counsellor #1,

I met you in confidence at my private college. You were training to become a counsellor, as I was training to become a sound engineer. Back home things were shifting and inside my mind I was unwinding at a quickening rate. 

But you were there, fee-less and accessible to talk to at different intervals.

I don't remember everything, but I remember telling you about the fear I was carrying, and you made a suggestion that was against what I had buried within me. A few days later, I did what you believed I could do and I will never forget it. 

It was a day I held myself in high regard and took a huge step into adulthood by being loud instead of quiet. I thanked you, and you thanked me for helping you too.

Dear Counsellor #2,

I remember our first encounter very well. I had decided to cycle from the station to your centre. It was a very hot day and I entered your room, face full of redness and a body sticky with sweat, my breath heavy and taking my time to relax. Maybe I had flustered you, but as we talked I began to ramble, everything coming out all at once and falling onto the table.

Time passed so quickly and at the end, you asked me something that made the tears well up from deep within. Suddenly it was the end of the session, and I felt emotional and weak. It was like I had unknowingly been pushed in order to come to a place of real feeling. Leaving your space in a state of fragility was unpleasant. I was grateful to unexpectedly run into family.

The next time I saw you, I don't remember anything. I remember it not being right, and getting nowhere. Like running on a treadmill! I guess I already knew what I wanted and what I didn't want. I didn't want to ponder or dwell, I wanted to put in place a system in order to look after myself well. Looking back, I can understand why I haven't seen a Counsellor since: I found my own system and I trust myself with it. But I'm still looking for someone to talk to.