How Do You Know When To Switch Between Being The Talker And The Listener?
Question: I've read that good communication includes three things: mirroring, validation and empathy. This requires the person listening to suspend their own thoughts/agenda so that they can experience being fully present with the other person. The person talking then feels 'seen, heard, accepted... and therefore safe'. I can understand how this works in therapy, but in an intimate relationship where the exchange is based more on reciprocation, how do you know when to switch between being the talker and the listener?
Answer (1) While it is clear that you have some intellectual understanding of the dynamics of human communication, the question you ask indicates that you might not have much in the way of a personal "feel" for the ideas. Operating from an empathic stance, one knows intuitively when it's important to be quiet and listen, and when it's time to speak up. Healthy relationships are neither a combative nor competitive situation, where one must dominate and the other acquiesce. There's nothing fundamentally toxic about disagreement, if accompanied by mutual respect and goodwill.
Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist
Answer (2) It is not a question I think there is any easy answer to and I'm sure you are sensitively seeking the right balance. Part of the dynamic in any relationship is determined by the habitual personality patterns of each person and how they affect each other; eg, is one more extroverted and one introverted, is one more of a carer of others with a partner more "entitled" to their own needs being met? So I think it can be difficult to be clear about "what is objectively true here and what is my personal bias?". As always I think that building our awareness of "what is happening right now for me here" helps a lot. We can do this by pausing or slowing down enough to check in with ourselves. Often we can then separate out our automatic reactions to what is going on from a more intuitive big-picture sense. I hope that helps your explorations.
Answer provided by Fiona Halse, Psychotherapist
Answer (3) The emphasis in our culture and especially mainstream education is usually on "getting it right" rather than being yourself. Most of us grow up being told what is right and wrong by other people, few of us are encouraged to find out for ourselves! One of the main tasks of psychotherapy, as I see it, is to help people make the transition from relying on outside sources to making their own discoveries, and this is what I would like to encourage you to do. You can read lots of books telling you what constitutes good communication and how to have good relationships, and all this information can be helpful if you use it to help you find out what works for you. You obviously want to do your best to have a good relationship, and I think that the courage and commitment that you have shown so far will stand you in good stead.
One suggestion - you may find it helpful to have structured dialogues with your partner, where one person talks and the other just listens for an agreed amount of time, eg 5 or 10 minutes, then swap over. You can use this exercise to explore what good listening and good communication means to you. I trust you will enjoy the journey.
Answer provided by Donald Marmara, Psychotherapist
