How Do We Determine When Feeling Angry Or Getting Angry Is An Appropriate Response?
Question: My father (who is no longer alive) was a very angry man - he hated everyone, especially his own family and he often took his frustration out on my mother or me. We managed to shield my younger sister from him most of the time. I think that as a kid I came to the conclusion that anger was bad news and I didn't want it in my life. Certainly, I didn't want to follow in my father's footsteps. Consequently, no-one has ever seen me get riled up about anything, and until recently, this was something I liked about myself. A little while back, an awful thing happened to someone close to me. As usual, I didn't get angry. But instead of feeling good about it, I felt embarrassed. I know that it is possible to repress emotions and that this is not a healthy way of dealing with situations. My question is, how do we determine when feeling angry or getting angry is an appropriate response? I would like to experience a natural response, but having seen the damage that out of control anger can do, I'm not sure I can trust it.
Answer (1) Aristotle had a shot at answering this one a little while ago, 'Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy.' To feel anger is okay and inevitable. We have that emotion hard wired into our flight/fight response. Its what you do with it that matters. Just breathing though it, soothing and calming yourself before acting hastily; taking the time to reflect on what set the feelings off, whether it was a one off trespass by someone dear or whether it is old stuff that's been festering for months or years. To not listen to anger in this way and consider the alternatives to expressing it, means important stuff that needs our attention is ignored. This then risks depression, low self-esteem and victimisation.
In my experience, chronic abusive anger like you describe in your dad, can be a cover up for fear, toxic shame, past trauma, helplessness. Its bizarre but these folk tell me they feel powerless and ashamed in the repetitive situation where they rage, fearing loss of control or abandonment - the very things that happen when you lose it often enough. If alcohol were involved then amnesia and addictive remorse follows, guaranteeing raging will occur again. Could you imagine that your father was a very fearful man as well as one who frightened you with anger? A man consumed by shame as well as shamelessly humiliating your mother? Could it be that he responded to sensations in his body he interpreted as weak, hating himself for feeling, say fear and automatically regaining control of that weakness by exaggerated strength - abusing your mother as if she were to blame for those unacceptable feelings? That's just one possible pattern.
To understand your own fear of anger you would be well advised to examine how your father screwed up a healthy emotion and turned it into verbal, domestic violence, repeatedly. Where did he come from? You may then understand that you are not your father, are coming from a different space and that you have different choices than the ones he could or would make.
The other part of your question suggests that as a child his anger triggered your nurturing/protective drive toward your sister and probably mother. Forgive me but that is a pattern I've seen where one parent was an alcoholic and it tends to teach a process of neglecting our own needs in order to protect another and of putting others' needs ahead of our own. That can become co-dependence or co-addiction and over a long time we end up not knowing who we are, having so lost touch with our own needs and wants. I wonder if your mum ended up there and will you? If you considered yourself possibly the adult child of an alcoholic or at least of a rage-aholic, a number of community resources become available - CODA or AlAnon for a start, some of which may help you form an honest and trusting friendship with your anger.
Answer provided by Peter Fox, Clinical Psychologist
Answer (2) It is a very common anxiety in people who chronically repress emotions for whatever reason, to fear that if they were to allow themselves to freely express them, "Pandora's Box" would be opened and every suppressed feeling would come flying out, totally out of control. This stems from what I call "The Pressure Cooker Syndrome". As long as a little steam is safely vented from time to time, the pressure cooker will not explode. However, stop any steam at all escaping and the pressure does build up to the point where the cooker will eventually explode, splattering everyone in range with its dangerous contents. We are all creatures of habit and being authentically emotional within appropriate limits, is a learnt skill. We learn this within a good relationship with a sane and balanced person, which your father, sadly was not. I suggest you see someone about this.
Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist
Answer (3) Your caution about expressing anger is a healthy one compounded by your experience of how inappropriate expressions of anger can affect others. It is little wonder you have wanted to leave anger behind you when you left the family home. Anger is like all our emotions, an invitation to action and not a command to do something.
It is when people fail to look for the source of their anger and act on its energy without thought or responsibility that the emotion becomes destructive. Your fear that you will act like your father may well be unfounded, especially since you have rejected his action as damaging and unfair. Learning to assert yourself in situations which make us angry - at the outrageous behaviour of presumption of others for instance - frees us up to accept our anger, find the situation it points to, and to act responsibly to change the situation should there be desire to do so. This involves seeing the situation, deciding what effect it is having on you and articulating this in simple, non-blaming statements to the perceived offender.
Rather than accusing that person of anything ("your being too noisy") you supply information about yourself ("I feel a bit apprehensive when you are so loud"). Often (not always) this leads to the other party responding ("I'm sorry, I didn't meant to alarm you. I guess I'm a bit excited.") rather that going on the defensive and upping the ante ("I can be as loud as I want").
Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor
