How Do I Assess That I Have Got What I Was Looking For After An Initial Session?
Question: The discussions about therapist neutrality and the one where the couple wasn't included in the therapy, leaving the person feeling betrayed, is great and has left me wondering. My partner is in therapy and this has been great for him but has left me thinking I'm falling behind in understanding him, me and us. He's completely open about what happens in the Hakomi sessions and I think I want that undivided attention for me too but not with the same therapist or method, but how do I choose a therapist and how do I know it's the right one for us when I'm the client? We have some typical issues as a gay couple for example how and when to have kids, but I don't think we need a couple's therapy to work that out. I want to keep growing with him and feel a bit stagnant.
The opinions expressed here suggest to me that the therapist should (a) receive supervision (b) possibly in therapy themselves (c) remember their client is in a relationship (d) be prepared to take their own shoes off (e) not necessarily like me or have me like them and (f) not be one of the 25% of therapists who are distressed or disengaged? What else should I look for? How do I assess that I have got what I was looking for after an initial session? Will I be able to tell that they are not well in themselves and how do I ask that anyway? It is important for me to know but it's a bit rude asking a person are you dysfunctional? Sorry about all these questions, but I would really value the diversity of opinions I read on those other discussions. Thanks, Abe.
Answer (1) Well Abe, as someone who is a therapist and a trainer of therapists, I can tell you that there are no hard and fast rules which can guarantee the choice of a suitable personal therapist. However, there are some strategies that may be of use to you.
1) Be prepared to interview a few people at least. Yes, it's expensive I know but it's also very important to get it right from the beginning, by comparing a few different people and styles.
2) Do not go with a fixed idea about what type of therapy is suitable for you but talk this over with the prospective therapist. You can tell a lot about the way they work and how they think about things, by what he or she has to say on this subject alone.
3) Ask about the length, breadth and duration of their training, their own therapy and clinical supervision by all means. All good indicators! Don't be overly impressed by purely academic qualifications.
4) Beware of omniscient narcissists, "fuzzy seducers" and emotional rescuers.
If you are not desperate to grab the first person to offer you the time, generally have fairly accurate gut reactions to others and get what you feel are honest and appropriate answers to some searching questions, you're probably with someone who'll give you decent and productive treatment.
Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist
Answer (2) Abe, Finding a suitable therapist for your needs can be confusing. But I cannot agree that interrogating a number of therapists is necessarily useful. It could be an endless exercise. And, how do you choose suitable prospective therapists? They may say they have had therapy themselves or this or that training. But what does it mean? May I recommend a book? How to Choose a Psychotherapist, by Neville Symington. Maybe it will help clarify the process for you. Good luck on your quest.
Answer provided by Dr Wendy Sinclair
Answer (3) Dear Abe, In your question you show a warm and close relationship with your man and I read that you want to keep it that way. Being able to discuss his therapy so openly, bodes well for your relationship and your own choice of therapist. You already know a lot about what happens in therapy and you keep the change process lively for each other by bringing it back home. Even though it may be early days for your becoming parents, that change is in the air and given the challenges of same sex adoption and fostering, or conception and surrogacy, I recommend starting early to explore the options in your community and with each other. Sometimes the questions we don't want to deal with in therapy are the very ones that won't go away. So I wouldn't rule out working with a relationship coach or therapist, especially as one of the things you already know you want from therapy is 'understanding him, me and us'.
Feeling 'a bit stagnant' could be about health, work or recreation issues and they too can be taken to individual and to couple's therapy. But now to your questions.
1. How to choose a therapist. Your partner is the resource to get clear on what you want and don't want from therapy. I would start there and write a list, keep it by the phone and later compare it with what you get. If you are in rural or remote Australia you may not have much choice and given the travel time, some sessions by email, telephone or teleconferencing will be important, even necessary. So a therapist with clear, companionable telephone manner and a warm, unambiguous, jargon free writing style will help clarify and resolve issues using those media. The same may apply in an urban setting depending on your circumstances.
In either case, a therapist's willingness to audio record a talking session and/or have you video the session, particularly for process work, music, movement or dance therapy is a good sign of therapist accountability. The recording can help you bring it back home, review what was said or done, track the change points, assess your authenticity, the therapist's listening skills and their clarity in hearing/reading you. To get a short list of therapists, begin with word of mouth referrals from a friend or from another health professional. They are among the more reliable referrers. Then follow up those names with a check on their web presence and a chat over the phone for about ten minutes. Ask, 'Are you able to give me ten minutes on the phone at the moment or could we arrange it for later this week?' That chat or lack of it, will give you a lot of information about the therapist - especially if you are clear on what you want and don't want and are unafraid to ask. A seasoned therapist will indicate how they select a client from an initial paid session - you don't want to waste time or money if you are clearly not in their bag. Both of you want a good fit and want to work that out early in the relationship.
On this good therapy site is a guide for choosing a therapist.
2. You asked about the 25% of therapists who are distressed or disengaged in their practices? As a potential employer of a therapist, you are in charge of your half of the selection process. It is okay to ask therapists if they are dysfunctional and a useful way to illicit that is, 'what are the growing areas and the challenges in your professional life?'; 'how do you take care of yourself?'; 'in what ways are you not functioning as well as you would like to be?' and 'how do you keep yourself interested and alive in your work'? Some therapists are too busy to answer questions on the phone and/or don't feel comfortable disclosing more than terms of service in an initial chat - but how they handle the discomfort and deal with a direct question about self-care and their client selection process, can tell you a lot about how they are when challenged by their clients. Some therapists have a lousy answering machine message or a turn-off web presence. This can indicate the therapist's awareness of a client's desire for a soothing phone message when they just want to hear a familiar voice or see a kindly face or read their point of view in the early hours of the morning and don't want the therapist to pick up the phone or send an email in return.
3. How to know you've chosen the right one for you and for your relationship? First and foremost keep sharing the journey with your partner. With both of you in therapy or in couple's work you have a deep well of good will and intimate knowledge to keep each other safe and healthy traveling with a therapist in the back of the bus. In my experience it is inevitable that events from your couple relationship will arise in your thoughts and feelings and you may want to share these, dance, draw or sing them with your therapist. A therapist's interest and skillfulness in threading these events into the dance of your whole life are part of the delight of effective therapy.
Answer provided by Peter Fox, Clinical Psychologist
