He Is Working At Repairing The Damage But How Can I Ever Trust Him Again?
Question: I discovered my husband had another affair/fling recently and we have separated. I was devastated as 3 years earlier he had been unfaithful but I decided to give our marriage another chance then, as he seemed truly sorry and committed to reconciling. It was a long and difficult road but I felt we were on our way to again being a happy, loving couple. This is my second marriage and we have 3 teenage daughters. I have 2 sons from my first marriage and know how difficult it can be for children whose parents separate.
My husband wishes to reconcile but I am tortured by the prospect of repeat infidelities and the loss of my own integrity and self esteem. I am equally tortured by the prospect of my daughters being in a one parent family. As bizarre as it may seem, outside his infidelities, he is a good man and I still love him! My husband is living elsewhere but stays most weekends with us which is wonderful for the girls but extremely difficult for me. He is 'working' very diligently at repairing the damage but how can I ever trust him again? We do not share the same bedroom. I am shortly travelling to the U.S. for a month and feel I should make a decision about reconciliation at the conclusion of my trip but part of me doesn't want to say 'yay or nay' and I'm not certain if it's because I do love him or whether I want to punish him or whether I'm just plain scared of losing him altogether! I apologise if I seem to be a neurotic, indecisive woman but that's EXACTLY how I do feel. Shouldn't I, at 50 years of age, be more decisive and sure of myself? If this were another woman, I would counsel her to continue her life on her own, with her children. So why can't I??
Answer: Please be fair on yourself. Age is not a factor. You are not neurotic; you are human. All the confusion and how you feel is normal under the circumstances. You articulate the conflicts you feel in yourself about your husband and possible consequences for your children very rationally. Trust is not earned, it is given. Giving our trust to someone who has deeply hurt us is no simple matter. Our reservations are the product of our need to protect ourselves from further hurt and the knowledge that lines have been crossed in the past. I know it is difficult to live in uncertainty but I would question the wisdom of setting yourself a deadline for the decision on the basis of some external event like your travel to the USA. I also wonder if you need to make the options so black and white. Allowing the process more time allows for more evidence, if you like, of how you and your husband are feeling, thinking and behaving. The outcome may not change but it is likely to be more satisfactorily reached if it is over time rather than rushed.
In the final analysis, there are no guarantees on trust. The choice will be to trust or not. Affairs are rarely about leaving a partner but more about one partner turning away when they feel something lacking in the relationship. If you and your husband can some time in the future manage to explore the pluses and minuses in your relationship, this may allow you to reinvest in it and move forward in a stronger union. Even the best relationships are no more self sustaining than a vehicle. Both require regular maintenance and repair. You will find many practitioners in the field of couples and relationship counselling who may be able to help you repair and strengthen your relationship together.
Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor
