He Is Chipping Away At My Confidence A Teeny Bit At A Time

Question: Hi, it's me again. I thought carefully about what you said, and you're right about how my boyfriend treats me. It is verbal abuse. If he hit me, I'd end the relationship immediately with absolutely no second chances. But he is chipping away at my confidence a teeny bit at a time, making it difficult for me to put my finger on what is happening. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. He won't come to counselling with me. He said it's demeaning and I should just grow up, which straight away reminded me of how my father talks, actually, he's a lot like my father in other ways too. I don't like these traits, in my dad or anyone, so it doesn't make sense that I'm attracted to someone who has them. I realize I should break up with him but I'm not sure how to go about it. Michelle

Answer (1) Michelle, it is not unusual to fall for someone who mirrors some familiar trait in one's parents. Despite the fact that parents do not always act as they should, we all have in our mind the "archetype" of the good, loving parent who will care for us no matter what. It is often this fantasy we can fall in love with, not the reality of the partner. If your guy refuses to go to counselling with you, then go for yourself and work through what binds you to him. Breaking up, if that is the decision you eventually come to, will be easier with the support a good therapist can provide.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (2) You have been thinking a lot about your future and your right to equal and respectful treatment in a partner. Having to abide a parent's conduct as a dependent child tends to dull us to similar treatment at the hands of another in our adult life. It is the unfortunate legacy of the protective numbing we sometimes adopt in early life situations. But you have realised that and that is a significant and difficult step. Like David White, I would suggest talking to someone face to face. This would afford you time to safely, confidentially, look at strategies, and emotional and safety issues around terminating the relationship. Whether you do or not will always be your decision.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor