Even When I've Made Up My Mind To Say No, My Heart Sees How Much He Needs Me And I End Up Caving In.

Question: I wrote in before about predicting violence. Thank you so much for your excellent replies. I also read the info on narcissism and it sent a chill down my spine. We had a blow up on Friday night. He got paranoid when I wasn't where I said I would be, so I broke it off. He then worked really hard to get me back without threats, just pleading, promising and by being extra nice. I hear what you say about the risks but I can't seem to help myself. Even when I've made up my mind to say no, my heart sees how much he needs me and I end up caving in. Michelle

Answer (1) He does indeed need you but what does he need you for? What function does possessing and controling you, serve for him. The grovelling and pleading (this time) only show how absolutely desperate he is to keep his hold on you and you mistake it for love. The "paranoid jealousy" scenario may very well be repeated over and over again, as long as you stay with this guy and I really hope for your sake, it doesn't eventually turn nasty. However, when it does happen again, (and it probably will) ask him to see a therapist and insist he acknowledge and look at his problem. Whether he does or doesn't, please seriously consider seeing one yourself. It is vital that you understand your part in perpetuating and facilitating this re-enactment. Working out what it is within you, that makes you such a vulnerable target for this sort of man, will help you to bring your mind and your heart into alignment, thus enabling you to hold your ground.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (2) Sounds to me as if you made an assessment of him, made a decision to like yourself, and communicated it. I wonder what part of "no" he does not understand. In any relationship we need at least as much strong mindedness as we do "soft heartedness". Are you dealing with a man, or a little boy who can only see through his self-centred eyes and consider only his needs? There is a very familiar cycle in abusive relationships: courtship, possession, abuse, separation, courtship and so on. Ask yourself if yielding to his pleas will change your partner's behaviour. Resisting the pleas of another is difficult, especially when their is a history of emotional connection. But children use similar emotional blackmail and a wise parent does not allow the child to learn how to manipulate people but stands firm. Giving in to him you may escape the pressure of his pleading, but it may also make ending the relationship much more difficult to argue in future.

Women in chronically abusive relationships can take up to 30 attempts before they successfully and safely leave an abusive partner without yielding to the offenders habitual "wooing". We need to be able to withstand the opinion of others if we are to be true to, and protect ourselves. Think hard. Talk to someone who is familiar with these matters. Family or Domestic Violence agencies have helplines to advise or a private practitioner may be your choice. You may well need support to resist the force of this man's urgings.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor

Answer (3) Dear Michelle 'breaking up is hard to do' as the song goes. Picture yourself in the same situation you are now but having the added responsibility of raising children etc. Would you be able to cope with his behaviour? Would you be happy? When courted you should be made feel special, cherished, respected. Do you feel that? If the answer is yes, then it may be worth your while exploring the problem areas in therapy before committing to a long term relationship.

Answer provided by Eva Fera, Psychologist