Emotionally I Was All Over The Place With Sudden Outburst Of Anger One Minute And Deep Sadness The Next.

I'm experiencing increasing anxiety and it is interfering with my ability to study. I went to an orphanage reunion last year that upset me a great deal, emotionally I was all over the place with sudden outburst of anger one minute and deep sadness the next. I didn't expect to react the way I did, but it really affected me adversely for a couple of months. I had some limited counseling at the time that helped me settle down. I began to get involved in lobbying for Government services for adult care leavers as I rationalised it would be better to direct my anger to a more productive end instead of it destroying me. At first it worked and I was able to speak about my past objectively (in a general sense).

My problem now is that I am doing a course in Community Welfare, and finding that I'm reacting to some of the course contents. These reactions are unpredictable and frightening as I have no control over them. A part of the anxiety now is fear of having a reaction. Being aware of it hasn't been any help in preventing these from happening. I'm feeling more hopeless as time goes on. My question is why is this happening now? Is there any technique that can help me stop what is happening? Have I made a mistake in thinking I could do this course? I felt so angry at what has happened to so many who were supposedly being looked after by the state (I was a state ward in 4 orphanages). Many others have been affected much more than I have. I wanted to learn as much as I could so I would know how to deal with Government and to also be able to help others who grew up in 'care'. Sorry this is so long but I really want to find out how to get past this problem.

Answer (1) Dear Community Welfare student, I have seen many people who have been in care. It seems that they sometimes have a severe, chronic, complex posttraumatic stress disorder, or complex PTSD. This means that being reminded of the trauma of their childhood may trigger anxiety, anger and sadness. There is treatment available. There is also funding for people who have been in care to get counselling in some states. Sometimes the church that ran the orphanage will pay for the counselling. It is important to find a therapist who understands posttraumatic stress disorder because it is not just "counselling" that is needed but specific treatment for PTSD.

Doing the Community Welfare course is a great idea. As the anxiety comes up, it needs to be dealt with, not "stopped". The healing process involves facing the issues and grieving appropriately. Grieving involves anger and sadness - just what you experienced after the reunion. This is a painful process but it is worth the effort to go through it. PTSD is maintained by avoidance - the way to get past it is to go through it. Writing it all down is a very good way of expressing your grief. If writing it down makes you angry or makes you cry, you are grieving appropriately. It is very difficult to do this on your own, so I hope that you find a skilled therapist to help you.

Answer provided by Meg Perkins, Psychologist

Answer (2) People who have suffered as children often have their wounds reopened by reminders of their experience. This does not mean you have to drop out. I hope that you can discuss this issue with one of your lecturers. When you finish the course, find a good supervisor who can help you separate your own feelings and memories from those of your "clients."

You may cope better with these feelings and/or thoughts by using thought stopping techniques and breathing exercises to release the feelings. Do an Internet search for "thought stopping techniques" and try out some of the suggestions. If you tell yourself that it is OK to feel as you do, you may have more peace.

Answer provided by Margaret Lord, Psychologist

Answer (3) You already seem to be aware that present circumstances have somehow triggered the repressed emotional reactions to events from your past. I think it is important that these events be remembered, re-experienced and worked through in a safe therapeutic setting. Powerful reactions are unlikely to go away of their own accord over time. In fact, they may eventually become crippling and make it difficult for you to follow your chosen path. This is unnecessary and would be a great pity. Do see someone about this soon.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (4) It sounds as though the reunion has reminded you more powerfully than anticipated of troubling experiences personal and vicarious from the days you were moved from orphanage to orphanage. It is natural that given what you have survived in those institutions, that you are unable to prevent your course material from being embodied with your own emotional experience. Your course may have attracted you as a possible means of redressing some of the issues from your days in institutional care. You may reach a point where you postpone your studies because your own happiness and welfare would be best served this way, but this may not prove necessary. I would strongly advise you to seek out a qualified professional to explore your feelings. Your unpleasant emotional experiences are probably indicative of memories and past emotions. Conversations about these will most likely lead to clearer memories and these may be quite overwhelming. Experiencing them in a safe, confidential environment will facilitate revisiting memories as they surface (at your own pace) and allow you to process them through the eyes of the older, independent and capable person you are now, and take out the fear you had as a child. You are a survivor. You deserve to be happy.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor