Do You Think Therapists, Working With People's Problems Day In And Day Out, Could Become Over Vigilant ... ?

Question: I was interested to read your answers to the question about relationship violence, probably because I'm with someone who is at times, controlling and sneaky, but who also has a sweet and kind nature. As therapists you appear to be quite emphatic about the risks. Have you considered that the behaviours in question may be commonplace in the real world, and rarely lead to danger? My grandmother, a retired midwife who has seen countless complications with pregnancy and birth, finds it very difficult to get excited about news of a baby on the way. She imagines only the things that can go wrong. Do you think that therapists, working with people's problems day in and day out, could also become over vigilant when it comes to predicting whether or not bad things will happen; inadvertently spoiling the fun?

Answer (1) I can imagine it would be fun living with a sweet, kind natured guy who is occasionally sneaky and controlling. Unfortunately the writer to whom I responded so emphatically, reported factors identified in research as predictors of relationship violence. If her partner also exhibited significant signs of narcissistic personality disorder referred to on my web site and alcohol involved jealous rages - then she would not be describing an occasional sneak like your beloved. With all those indicators together I have a duty to warn. That's my job. I do believe in the dignity of risk but I also know from the 1996 Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) Women's Safety Survey that one in three women have experienced physical violence at some stage in their lives since the age of 15. Only 31 per cent of victims of assault (of both genders) and 20 per cent of female victims of sexual assault report the incident to police. While the human impact of domestic violence is incalculable, in a report published in 2000 the total cost (including direct and indirect costs) to the corporate/business sector was estimated to be around $1 billion per annum.

The incidence of complications during birth today is also around 30% but most are reported by midwives (89% in the recent WA survey). Depending on the age of your grandmother, and her experience of those complications; the incidence of maternal and infant death during birth and the resources available to manage or prevent them might be radically different today from what it was when she was young and her career attitude was formed. I use my clinical experience, gut feelings and research knowledge to form judgements about the risk of verbal and physical abuse in intimate relationships. Sometimes damned if I'm over-vigilant and often damned if I'm not - I tend to err on the side of safety in a culture that minimizes and under reports violence against women, especially where the victim is known to the offender. For all violent offense categories people aged 24 years or less have the greatest likelihood of being victims. These are not frequent users of fee for service therapy but they are likely to visit the good therapy site looking for information.

Answer provided by Peter Fox, Clinical Psychologist

Answer (2) A very reasonable question to ask. I would like to answer that next. First, I want to say that the feedback I and others provided on the question of relationship violence is based on the stories and experiences of clients, largely women, who have been abused by their partners. I cannot know your own situation but I wonder why we would want to accept a partner in an equal, respectful relationship controlling us. I wonder why your partner needs to be "sneaky" too. Such behaviours are often listed by my clients as lesser features of a physically violent or psychologically abusive partner. It is not uncommon for a woman to describe being yelled at, threatened, being rung on her mobile 20 times in an evening and then in the next breath to say that her partner will do anything for her, or that he is very kind most of the time.

You may be very happy at the moment but I think monitoring your partner's behaviour would be advisable. As to the original question, we know that members of the police service find their work tends to narrow their field of view so that they tend to expect the worse side of people to predominate. Counsellors, however, are trained in self-care: to debrief and seek guidance on cases they are struggling with from another qualified, experienced therapist. This enables us to vent emotions and concerns generated in meetings with our clients before they take over. This way, we are better able to to leave the work in the counselling room so it does not sour our personal lives and relationships or cloud our work with other clients. Were I to find I could not maintain such a boundary between my clients' issues and my own view of life, I would be obliged professionally to remove myself from this work until I was able to regain my balance or move to other employment. I wish you well.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor

Answer (3) Being desperate to control others and constantly demanding to know their whereabouts, is never benign and I can think of no way it could be described as "normal". Your guy may have a "sweet and kind nature" but I'd like to know how sweet and kind he'd be if you objected to the sneaky and controling bits. However, clearly you don't object all that much. He's getting away with it and you're still having fun. Don't imagine though that your situation is typical. As I see it, most people don't care much for sneaky and controling, however sugar coated.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (4) It is true that we deal with other people's problems every day. This does not necessarily give us cognitive distortion about reality. What it does is to alert us of the tell tale signs in a person's story, of possible future difficulties. Unlike your grandmother, I do get excited - about preventing people's heart ache by warning them of potential danger, but I am the happiest when they conclude their therapy and they tell me that they have achieved so much more than they thought was possible. I would like to believe that all my clients benefit from the little bit of me I invest in them during the course of their therapy. My approach is usually very positive but I have seen far too many young brokenhearted women in my rooms to know where those ignored signs could lead.

Answer provided by Eva Fera, Psychologist