Do Counsellors And Psychologists Value Practicality Over Virtue?

Question: I work with a woman who is quite a lot older. She is married but has no children and has no intention of having any. Her husband however does want a family and this is causing conflict in their relationship. I am very attracted to her in spite of the age difference but because she is married I've not told her how I feel. Anyway, she has been confiding in me more and more about how she and her husband are incompatible. She is now suggesting that he would be happier with someone who wants to have children. This is making it harder for me to ignore my feelings.

Getting involved with a married woman is not what I envisage for myself but then I've always been more influenced by morals than what 'works'. No doubt this has a lot to do with why I am single. Do counsellors and psychologists value practicality over virtue? If so, I expect you would encourage me to be more open about my options and less concerned about doing the 'right' thing, whatever that is.

Answer (1) Interestingly, on this matter the 'right thing' and the 'practical thing' appear to be one and the same. Whilst you shouldn't necessarily base every decision on statistics, I think there are important reasons that relationships which begin in infidelity have such a poor record of success - I believe the figure is only 5-10% (but don't quote me). I would encourage you to manage the situation carefully, respectfully and kindly for all involved - which may mean patience and significant romantic forbearance on your part.

Remember that 'morality' is really just a set of summarised rules for "what usually makes life work well" - and kindness and respect are two key elements of that 'big picture' success. Talking through all the facets of the situation with a counsellor should help you to think clearly along the way. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer provided by Stephanie Thompson, Psychologist

Answer (2) Most of us have a set of ethics, morals, conscience. I guess the important thing is not whether others approve or disapprove -though trusted others can sometimes be helpful. The question we all more wisely consider is "Can I live with my action?". When someone whom we find attractive confides in us on private and highly personal matters like their marriage and partner, it can be difficult to sort out where shared confidences and support end and the possibility of sexual intimacy begins. If you were to share your feelings with your work colleague, she may be diverted from the difficult issues she seems to be considering and seek comfort from you, which she may later regret. She may also be choosing to involve you because you are a workmate and not connected with her personal circle, a safely quarantined confidant.

Ending one relationship and starting another are most effectively done as two actions separated by time and the persons involved. Bob Biddulp suggests that when a woman complains to a man about her partner, the man in fairness to her and her partner, do better to tell the woman she needs to talk to her partner. It may save you a lot of agonising to seek a session or two with a counsellor.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor