Could This Be Why I Am Now So Careful?
Question: I met a nice girl at a new year's eve party and was mildly attracted but as we talked I learned things about her that turned me off. There is always something I can't accept! I was hurt pretty bad a few years ago when a long term relationship fell apart. Could this be why I am now so careful? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever fall in love again (a male friend is just the opposite - falling in and out of love almost on a weekly basis).
Answer (1) Perhaps you are being a bit hard on yourself here. We tend to be more guarded after a reverse: that's a protective mechanism, learning from mistakes. But you did say that you were only "mildly" attracted, it was a first meeting and you found there were things that made her someone you would rather not choose. That sounds to me as if everything worked as it should. Sometimes loneliness can leave us wondering if a bad relationship is better than none. The evidence against this whimsy is strong and sad. For most of us, the end of a relationship is sad and there is a period of mourning. Rarely, however, will that get in the way of strong attraction to someone who appeals on a physical and emotional level. Friends who fall so easily in and out of relationships are unlikely to get involved enough to know the person or to suffer much pain at the ending of such encounters. I wonder if that is what you would want, or even if you could accept such superficial relationships. You might try proceeding as you are: being careful not to throw yourself in at the 'deep end', but with an eye out for possibilities. Good luck in the new year.
Answer provided John Hunter, Counsellor
Answer (2) Well, painful as a long term relationship breakup can be, it is eventually a gold plated opportunity to discover all sort of things about oneself. If emotions are still very strong about a breakup several years on, then it's a fair bet that there are unresolved elements that have not been articulated, worked through properly and put to rest. Your assumption that this may be affecting your ability and willingness to re-engage with someone else is quite likely to be correct. Go and see someone and talk it all through so you can get on with your life as it should be. By the way, no one falls in and out of love on a weekly basis over the age of 14.
Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist
Answer (3) Your question reminds me of the song: 'I didn't know ya got a rock n' roll record Until a saw your picture on another guy's jacket You told me I was the only one And look at you now, well it's dark as it's dumb Once bitten twice shy, babe' (Ian Hunter lyrics). Looking for something wrong and finding it within the time of a speed dating meet is quite something and I guess well practiced by now. If it is coming out of hurt and betrayal from a few years back then it is probably time to let go and live on and with the help of a therapist. But it could also be that you've got a secret list of what you want in a woman and very few of the applicants match up in the time you are prepared to give them. I wonder if you have a list of what you are offering in return? Likely you don't match up to theirs either and that is in the nature of this troublesome thing called love and commitment. 'Almost every intimate relationship between two people that lasts for some time contains a sediment of feelings of aversion and hostility' Luepnitz.
Answer provided by Peter Fox, Psychologist
