Can You Predict Relationship Violence?

Question: Can you predict relationship violence? I am in a new relationship with a great guy but he keeps checking on my whereabouts with text and phone calls at odd times and freaks if I don't answer. It's flattering to be so wanted, but I wonder where this is heading. He is a bit manipulative and some of my closest friends are scared of him.

Answer (1) Most people, regardless of whether they have a tendency to be violent, are on their best behaviour in the early stages of a relationship. We all want to make a good impression. Therefore, violence can often appear months or years into a relationship. Individuals who are very domineering, controlling or jealous should ring your alarm bells, especially if your friends are scared of him! If he "freaks" when you don't answer the phone, then don't be flattered by his attention, as he's not wanting to know your whereabouts out of curiosity, he's "needing" to know to address his own insecurities. I'd suggest setting some very clear boundaries with him and being assertive about the number of phone calls he makes to check on your whereabouts. It may be worth thinking about playing it a bit cooler than usual until you've had the opportunity to get to know him better. Things can escalate quickly, and it would be a shame if you found yourself in a violent situation as you suggested.

Answer provided by Graham Cox, Psychologist

Answer (2) Naturally you would prefer to feel his anxiety about your whereabouts as flattering but you are very sensible in seeing these signs as potentially ominous. No one in their right mind would condemn this guy sight unseen but I am a great believer in gut feelings. The acid test would be to talk to him about this and discover if you can what's going on for him and let him know how it makes you feel. If he is full of denial, evasiveness and rationalisations, no matter how plausible and his behaviour does not change or begins to get worse, you have your answer. He may suffer from pathological jealously but it could equally well be some sort of separation anxiety. The former is very dangerous - whereas the latter, resolvable. Your friends being afraid of him makes me very uneasy and suggests that they're seeing something that you are reluctant to. Be very careful you don't become a statistic. This is not something that just happens to everyone else.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (3) You are obviously concerned at the possibility of violence, or your friends have raised this with you. All the behaviours you list for your guy are ringing alarm bells for me. They typify to me a male who wants to possess and control. This is particularly striking seeing how new this relationship is. Unless your closest friends are unusually timid, I would take their being scared of him seriously. Ask them what they see that you may be tending to downplay for the sake of romance. If a relationship is to work, it has to be based on mutual respect and you seem to be allowing yourself to tolerate this new male manipulating you. Family violence workers do not just deal with physical violence. Control, verbal abuse (when he freaks?) also count. A call to the 'Australia Says No to Violence' hotline would be able to speak with you confidentially, and anonymously. It could be a ready way to air your concerns and get objective feedback. Counselling services are readily available too. There are many men who do not feel the need to control their partners. Those who seek to manipulate, to shout at, to control, to hit are a very small majority. Look to your own happiness here. Good luck.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor

Answer (4) Ouch! Go slow with this one - I think you may have a few of the predictors already. If you also had low self esteem you may not have noticed these behaviours at this early stage of the relationship. Later on those now scared friends might be further distanced from you by his threats particularly if they are men friends. This might work to isolate you and possibly erode your self-esteem.

According to a study published in the latest issue of Personal Relationships there are several specific acts and tactics that lead to the possibility of violence in an intimate relationship. 'Vigilance over a partner's whereabouts was the highest-ranking tactic predicting violence across the researchers' three-study investigation. Emotional manipulation, such as a man saying he would "die" if his partner ever left also was predictive of violence. Monopolization of time and the threat to punish for infidelity were also signals of violence. Showing love and care was among the tactics not associated with violence. "Mate retention behaviours are designed to solve several adaptive problems, such as deterring a partner's infidelity and preventing defection from the mating relationship," author Todd K. Shackelford explains. But acts such as "dropped by unexpectedly to see what my partner was doing" and "called to make sure my partner was where she said she would be" were the overall third and fifth highest predictors of violence. These acts fall into Vigilance, which the couples reported as the highest-ranking tactic leading to violence and the only tactic across all three studies that uniquely predicts violence.' This study is published in the December issue of Personal Relationships. Summary quoted from EurekAlert If he has jealous rages associated with alcohol, has moderate to severe narcissistic personality disorder and many of the above predictors, then get help or get out.

Answer provided by Peter Fox, Clinical Psychologist

Answer (5) Please be careful. Something that appears to be a loving attachment to you today could be total control in years to come. Some other danger signs could be expressing the strong desire to have children soon and wanting you to give up your career and stay home to raise them, or wanting to look after you in any case and for you to give up work. His need to have you for himself and distance you from your friends and family is albeit flattering but could also indicate the desire for control. I have seen these signs over and over again causing a lot of heartache. I believe there will be a commercial soon about the early warning signs and their implications for the future.

Answer provided by Eva Fera, Psychologist