At The Age Of 20 I Found Out That My Dad Is Not My Biological Father.

Question: At the age of 20 I found out that my dad is not my biological father. When I confronted my parents they discussed it with me openly. They separated two days later. They assure me they had already planned to go their separate ways and that it was just 'bad timing'. I chose not to contact my birth father, who I refer to as my 'sperm donor', or even know his name, as far as I was concerned, if he didn't have a name, he wasn't really a person, and I had grown up with a dad who loved me more than anything.

After months of crying whenever alone, I found out that my sperm donor had children in the same school classes as my younger brother and sister. A year later, my dad (a terrible husband, but a great father) moved to the other side of the country. My mum followed him, although they remain separated, as she still needed his help to raise my brother and sister. 

I would be lucky to see them once a year now. I called last week to arrange a visit, and mum organised the flights, but neglected to tell me that her new boyfriend has moved in with her. I found this out from my brother a few hours later. I am furious with her. Why wouldn't she mention it? Why does she insist on keeping things from me that she knows will hurt me? I am too upset to call and ask her and the crying has started again. I can't deal with a third father.

Answer (1) I can understand your shock and upset at not being told about this important change in your mother's life. Maybe your mother has her own reasons why she found it too difficult to talk to you on the phone about her boyfriend. If you can find a way to soothe your distress and seek out some good support from a friend or professional you may feel more ready to talk to your mum about how you feel. It is important to recognise that your mother's new partner will not be a father to you, but he will become part of the family if he stays around. Talking about these difficult family situations isn't easy but it usually helps in the long run; especially if we remember to stay calm and not say destructive things out of our pain and anger.

Answer provided by Fiona Halse, Psychotherapist

Answer (2) It sounds to me as if this scenario has left you feeling betrayed, abandoned and marginalised. Now that your parents are involved with their own issues separately, perhaps it feels like there is no place for you in all these new arrangements and dislocations. I doubt if either of them are doing anything purposely to hurt or exclude you but I understand how being confronted with something different may lead to feeling confused. Seeing someone to work through any confusion and feelings of hurt may help you better cope with your present reality.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist

Answer (3) Your tears are understandable. Perhaps when the anger and hurt is less stinging, you might consider telling your mother quite specifically of the hurt, and the tears that follow when you are kept out of the picture. She may have been fearful that you would have cancelled your trip if you had known about the boyfriend - an expression of how much she wants to see you. It would obviously be better and more respectful of you as an adult if she took her chances and gave you the opportunity to make an informed decision. At 20, her boyfriend has no right to expect you to regard him as a father. Over time, he may become in your eyes a good companion for your mother, and a reasonable person towards you.

Some families seem to deal in secrets more than others. Sometimes parents fear hurting us, under-estimate our capacity to deal with life's tougher issues, and keep us out of the picture. We remain a child in their thinking. Telling your mother what you want in future could make a real change in your relationship. It may take some learning on her part but the effort could pay off handsomely.

Answer provided by John Hunter, Counsellor