At Some Point My Baby Is Going To See The Older Two Going To Visit Their Dad And She Won't Be. How Do I Handle This?

Question: I have an other child from a married man. Currently the father has no contact, by his choice. Our daughter is young so I'm not so worried about explaining all this to her yet, but I also have 6 year old twins who ask me a lot of questions. How do I explain the situation to my older daughters? Their father has contact with them and I was married to him. I use to think 'no problem', I can do this, but the more questions my older girls ask, the more scared I get of creating issues for my baby later. Her father has run from this since the day I told him. It has cost me a great deal in legal bills, trying to get him to accept some financial responsibility for our daughter, something he continues to hide from even though he can afford it. What can I do with my hate towards him for not wanting this precious child? At some point my baby is going to see the older two going to visit their dad and she won't be. How do I handle this? Thank you.

Answer (1) Kids are resilient and they respond well to age appropriate information. They thrive on love, respect and honesty. They grow to embrace the crazy world we live in because they were believed in as children and because some ONE never gave up on them. No matter how tough their life's challenges were, no matter what the cards they were dealt, one person stood by them. Kids can sense unfinished business and that can keep them hunting for information they don't actually want or need. I'm going to assume you have read or will read my article in the Good Therapy newsletter or on my website about 'children of affairs' and that you are honouring yourself as the 'other woman' even when he scorns you and the baby. I imagine your little one was conceived in love and that you are grieving the loss of your connection and in anticipation grieving her loss of a relationship with her father - a man once dear to you. You're scared you might mishandle the situation as she comes to understand it and starts to wonder about her worth to her father, her identity and even her connection with half siblings if he has children in his marriage.

I think the big challenge for you will be to heal well enough to convey the love you felt for the baby's father and he for you in the story of her conception, pregnancy and her birth, without the bitterness and recriminations that followed. You are teaching your kids about compassion by modelling healing of an intimate betrayal. If you can do it, they can do it. Grief and fear will inhibit your creativity and flexibility and they tend to erode patience. You will require all of them, in balance, to deal with the twins' questions. With any other unfinished business and with the hatred of your baby's father, it would be hard for any one to think through the issues and remember what they already know about adult grief and fear and child psychology and identity. Your hate says to me you are yet to cancel the expectation that he be involved in your baby's life. Absent and unforgiven, he could weigh you down. At this point in time, he and his wife, if she knows, have fully rejected his 'other child' and it may be time for you to draw that line in the sand. There is no one to bargain with anymore. You may have made an error of judgement about his character and integrity, but now it's over and it sucks.

On my website I have a step by step forgiveness program to start cancelling the expectations that you hold him to, in your mind . Forgiveness can be concluded even when his behaviour is unforgivable, provided you are ready to let go and move on. If your first marriage broke up over the affair and maybe in the last two years, I wonder whether you are through grieving the loss and forgiving yourself the choices you made. Face to face counselling would help to clear the anger and grief so that you can think fearlessly about your questions and find answers that fit a situation I can only guess at. Your babe and the twins have potentially a big, mysterious and unreachable family out there, some of whom may not know of the babe and some afraid of her very existence. How to explain all of that to the twins in digestible doses is a lot to worry about, but with one small step at a time you are already growing good enough answers. 'Have patience with everything unresolved and try to love the questions themselves'. Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.

These issues are very familiar in step and adoptive families. Here's one set of rules from an adoption site that can be adapted to the challenges you face: Begin talking when your child is young. Keep your conversations developmentally appropriate. Be honest. Show that you're willing to talk when your child wants to. If your child isn't talking, consider using techniques to spark conversation. Help them learn to express their feelings and to receive the explanations and support they need. Learn how to respond appropriately to others' questions and comments and teach your children the same skill. Feel free to adapt, break or ignore the rules. Don't talk too much.

Asnwer provided by Peter Fox, Psychologist

Answer (2) It sounds to me that both yourself and the man to whom you had this younger child, have unresolved issues about the relationship that led to her conception and its subsequent dissolution. I would hazard that it is this confusion and ambivalence about your present situation that is getting in the way of your being able to satisfactorily explain what has happened to the older girls. I think it is important that you work this through in your own mind first. Perhaps a qualified counsellor or therapist could help with finding the resolution you are looking for.

Answer provided by David White, Psychotherapist